Feeling murderous stabby rage at Pinterest and how inferior it makes me feel.

some days you can’t prevent the tears and you have to let them fall so you can feel better tomorrow

It’s certainly never fun to feel left up on things. It’s like HS all the over. FUCK THAT SHIT.

Used to be

They confuse the me that was…the woman that used to be with the one who I have become. Does anyone see the me that is? The one that is standing here waiting to be heard?

today

clenched jaw

strained happiness

young love buried

tears behind smiles

shaking hands

clouded heart

minor key

focus lost

lost

A day when the head and heart hurt and yearn for something other. There’s no direct to why I’m feeling that other than it’s life. Life feeling incomplete and void of the passion you naively thought it would sustain forever. I grab a beer and take to the pen and paper to sort out the discontent that’s ever present.

 

I’ve been complaining a bit (a lot) about my 35th Birthday, which is Sunday. Today I was reminded that I shouldn’t be complaining but embracing another year that I am alive on this big rock. 

Reminders:

one: I get to look at the above magnificent view at least once a week. That’s Laguna Beach and that’s where I have the pleasure of working….capturing this little slice of paradise in words and pictures.

two: The beach is my absolute happy place….the sound of waves crashing, the sand pushing in on my toes, the spray on my face, the vastness of life in the ocean fill me with such hope that I find it hard to complain about one god damned thing in my life when I stand at the waters edge.

three: A friend reminded me that it’s not the number, the state of physical appearance or even the unaccomplished goals that I should be worrying about on my birthday. Instead I should be focusing on the goodness of what is and the the promise of what the future holds.

four: Work surprised me with cake, a card, and my first “Happy Birthday” serenade today when I walked through the doors. In the three years I’ve worked there they have never acknowledged my birthday. That’s quite alright because I do not expect work folk to remember those kinds of things. I teared up at my desk as I read the sweet notes that they wrote about much they appreciated what I did for them and how I made every Wednesday a joy. I was speechless.

five: I sent a link to a friend today about an upcoming concert in LA. This is was for an artist that the both of us have fallen head over heals for. About 10 minutes later the friend text me to let me know that we had tickets and were going to the show. Again, I was speechless.

six: I got home to a the sun still soaking the backyard with golden light and decided to not let it go to waste. I slipped into shorts and wife beater (classy I know) and sat in the sunlight as my kids hollered and played around me. My heart felt full. I felt content. 

I feel ready for 35…

I am a god

Apparently I have grown super human godlike powers. I told my kids they can love whomever they choose and that is equal to “turning them gay.”  This I had a good laugh at.

Hey, but if I really do have special powers I should probably start a religion that magically turns everyone gay by spreading acceptance and love. What a better fucking world that would be instead of this bigoted and hate filled shit hole we are stuck in.